SUPPOSE THERE WAS A TILLMAN EFFECT?

Two top NFL draft picks to join army rangers. They are joined by three other active players in the NBA. Two have been placed in mental institutions by their parents til they can "recover". The agent of one of the NFL players insists on negotiating a contract with the U.S. Army for his client ("You think this is the plantation, whitey?"); the agent is insisting hardship for himself (the agent) and his family if his client works for chump change. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with thirty five percent of five hundred fucking dollars a month?", screamed an outraged B.M.(Big Money) Muhammad the agent for "Mad Dog" David Dawson, an outside linebacker who left school early to join the army because of his inner voice. The mother of another player stated anonymously that "I spent fifteen years gettin' that boy ready for the big money, a big house for me and my family, and a lifetime of luxury, and now he's wantin' to throw everything away for that ho' he found name of Patriotism. Well fuck her, dat bitch ain't seein' one dime if I have anything to say about it."

The new mental disease called "The Tillman Dysfunction" will be covered by all insurance plans. The disease, which can be fatal, causes a lack of concern for money, a feeling that there are more important things in life besides fame, whores, and drugs, and an urge to be a part of "something bigger than themselves". Dr. Ayub Kunsimeer Akhmed of the University of California at Berkeley has found that the disease is usually caused by association with Jews and proves his theory of a spreading virus of "principals" he calls "The Tillmanstein Syndrome".

The NFL in conjunction with the ACLU, the DNC, and the 9/11 Moms will file suit in Federal Court on Monday to stop this madness before it spreads to baseball, women's track, and beach volleyball. "We try to teach our youth to think of and for themselves without principles, patriotism, or concerns about people who are only saying they will kill us," said a 9/11 Mom at a news conference at an Iranian nuclear facility where she was meeting with some mullas to discusss ending once and for all "by whatever means necessary" the conflict in Iraq.