ALEXANDER, A FRUITY HOLLYWOOD-LEFT THANKSGIVING PRISS PARADE FOR THE GAY MARRIAGE CROWD

Remember the scene in "Jurassic Park" when the lawyer got killed and the audience cheered? Get ready, "Alexander," the newest three hour sand and drag queen movie, is so bad that the audience cheers every time a major character gets killed, which unfortunately doesn't start happening til the two hour mark. Actors, a la "Troy," flounce around in their best blouse and skirt ensembles kissing and flirting with each other before going off to conquer the world.

"Yoo hoo, Darius. Ready or not, here we come," and they skip into battle. This is strictly a Blue State epic for the gay marriage set. A full quarter of a "straight" non-paying preview audience at a college showing walked out after the first 45 minutes and the rest remained to cheer and laugh at the dialogue. The script is so bad that normally good actors like Val Kilmer look horrible. Viewers report that the script wanders off into stealing from "Citizen Kane's" rosebud recollections to a blatant "Braveheart" reconstruction.

People who tout the movie as honest, artistically brave (you can bet it doesn't deal with Islamofascism), and truthful to history, actually mean that men kissing each other on the mouth, ogling one another, and going to bed with each other is what passes for artistic bravery in anti-Bush Hollywood. The "truth" of Alexander's homosexuality or "bi-sexuality" is on graphic display. The reality of the Greeks kidnaping young boys and raping them is not included in this historically accurate movie, but wife raping is included, presumably for the bi-sexual Northeast and Malibu crowds. And let nobody forget that this movie is aimed at a world audience, particularly Jew hating and anti-Black Europe, so there are no Blacks and Jews in this "honest" movie, in spite of the fact that Alexander kicked the shit out of the Jews.

Then there is the sheer boredom that co-writer, co-producer, and director Oliver Stone manages to convey through such clever devices as endless speeches and battle scenes that you can't see because they are filmed through dust and sand. Everyone who has seen it comments about a shot of an eagle interrupting a battle scene that makes no sense and then cutting back to the hazy combat. In the business they call it "cutting to the moon." Every director worth his salt always has some extra footage he can "cut to" when a scene is missing footage that matches the master shot. When a director is bad or egotistical he has no "moon" and instead of a door or a breast he has to use a ten second shot of a bird flying, squirrels fucking, or a lion walking. Oliver Stone (co-writer, co-producer, and director) shot no moon to which he could cut if he had no matching footage. Audiences who saw the movie for free also comment on the horrid dialogue and acting; the age of Alexander's mother (Angelina Jolie would have had to give birth when she was eight years old), and the impossible age of Ptolemy.

It is generally recognized that a Spaniard named Lope de Vega, a 16th century dramatist who wrote two thousand three hundred plays, scribed the absolute worst soliloquies ever written. Til now. This movie will probably top de Vega's reputation for agonizingly long and tedious monologues. Actors clad in skimpy dresses emote them while doing their best to feign masculinity til they can date one another after the day is done.. Most attendees writing "reviews" seem to be sorry that Anthony Hopkins, of all people, is forced to shuffle around in a back lot sand dune uttering the skunkiest solo dialogue since Ethan Hawke butchered Hamlet back in 2000.

This is another example of the decadent Hollywood Left handing $150 million to the "Hate America" near Communist Oliver Stone knowing his track record for wallowing in blood, fictionalizing history, and losing money. All the viewers reporting compare it with Troy except that it's three times as gay. The movie will eventually cost in excess of $200 million in AOL/Time Warner shareholder money if you include prints and marketing. This means that it will have to gross $400 mil to break even and at $8 per ticket it means that fifty million people will have to see it. I guess the DNC poll takers told Time Warner execs that "the Red State assholes are all secret fags" and are dying to see men sodomizing each other in the desert. Guys who believed the financial statements of former AOL founder Steve Case will believe anything. Still.

Summing it up: short AOL/Time Warner stock or buy put options. Right now.

Late Add: the New York Times is just thrilled up to here with the homosexual display.