BASEBALL PLAYERS UNION AGREES TO DRUG TEST---
Satire
DRUG TESTS FOR BASEBALL PLAYERS
CIRCLE AT LEAST ONE

The dangers of steroid use are:
Hitting .422
Hitting in 123 straight games
Becoming a national idol with all the babes I want.

Mixing steroids with Viagra can result in:
An erect penis that can lift 150 pounds
Ejaculations so explosive they can give women brain concussions
An insatiable desire to fuck management out of millions.

You use your girl friend’s urine to pass your urine test. It tests positive for cocaine, methamphetamines, and birth control substance. You could be:
Suspended for a week
Denied access to Scores for a month
Lose your endorsement contract for Yale University

You are 23 years old and hit 77 home runs last year, but your penis is now 2 inches long. You want to break Barry Bond’s home run record of 2,120 within five years. You continue your nutritional supplement program but resign yourself to:
Dating dwarfs
Joining a pedophile dating group
Buying condoms at maternity shops (Baby bottle nipples are 99% safe)

ESSAY QUESTIONS—TWENTY WORDS OR LESS

1. Using steroids can cause a man to go into violent rages for no reason. The downside is:

2. It is Mother’s Day and you have just hit your 35th home run in 38 games, which are thirty more than you hit in the past two years combined. Reporters are questioning your nutrition. You tell them:

3. A scummy reporter reveals that your salary has now quadrupled to $4 million per season and one of your ex-wives is demanding that your child support payments be doubled (to $150 per month). What do you tell the press?

TRUE OR FALSE---CIRCLE ONE

1. Steroids make you see better at night.
True False

2. The Major Leage Baseball drug policy can be purchased from your insurance agent.
True False

3. Women who carry syringes in their purses are most likely nurses.
True False