NEW LA TIMES EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION

Satire
Alfred E Neuman latest publisher. First step is a new employment application designed to assure diversity and end the baseless accusation of bias.

Dear Prospective Employee.

The attached test is designed to assure totally non-biased and inclusive employment at the Los Angeles Times. Please answer all questions truthfully. We will help you to add your total points. Remember, a completely unbiased newspaper is our goal.


1. What race are you. Circle all that apply. (Note: be sure to include all races because there are potential bonus points for people who combine races and certain other criteria. For example a Black Puerto Rican/Arabic Lesbian with a handicap, who is also older than 65 is worth 12 points. So be sure you make yourself as eligible as possible.)

Asian, Asian Pacific Islander, Afghan, Mid Eastern, Arabic, Mongol, Japanese, Eskimo, Inuit, Native American, Hispanic, Dominican, African American, Bahamian, Cuban, Israeli, PLO, Hammas, Chechyen, Iranian, Pakistani, Indian, Vietnamese, Aboriginal Australian, Hottentot, Brazilian Indian, Aztec, Mayan, White (Jews count as white).
You get two points for each race circled. Take off ten points for white. Take off five additional points if Jewish too(Points Here______)

2. Age:_____ 1 point for each year UNDER 25. (Points Here_____)
If also pregnant add three points. If also pregnant and unmarried add three more.

3. Country of origin. Take off ten points for U.S.A. Mexican add 15; Muslim add 16 (Points Here_____) (English speaking countries one point, all others ten points.

4. Sex: M/F/T Female add ten points Transgender add 15; (Points Here______)

5. Are you gay or lesbian? Y/N Yes= ten points (Points Here_______)

6. Are you married? Yes/No (If married to a member of the opposite sex minus 7) Yes= to person of same sex add 5 points (Points Here_____)

7. Do you have a family? Yes/No How many children? Deduct 5 points for each child.(Points Here______)

8. How many of your children are gay? ____ Add fifteen points for each. (Points Here______)

9. Did you graduate? (Anywhere. Grammar school is a yes) Yes=20 points (Points Here____)

10. Did you graduate from a Black College? Yes=15 additional points. (Points Here_____)

11. Would you say your politics are A. Totally Left B. Mostly Left C. Left D. Very Liberal
A.=20 points B=17 points C.=10 points D.=2 points (Points Here_________)

12. Have you ever thought about killing a Republican? Yes/No Yes=15 points (Points Here_______)

13. Have you ever been accused of sexual harassment? Yes=minus 10 points. If accused was for harassing someone of the same sex add 20 points. (Points Here______)

14. Have you or any member of your family ever served in the Military? Yes/No
(A "no" answer is a flat ten points; a Yes answer may disqualify you unless you qualify on (a) through (d) below:
(b) Dishonorably Discharged (add 15 points and go to d)
(c) General Discharge (add 5 points and go to d)
(d) Reason: Circle the one(s) that apply---Treason--murder of your commanding officer---cowardice---homosexual acts while in combat----refusing to murder helpless terrorists---other (explain on seperate sheet)
Treason:25 points; murder of c.o. 21 points; cowardice 30 points; homosexual acts are a flat 50 points (and take this form to the editor in room 616 immediately); refusing to murder helpless terrorists 30 points
(Total points Here____________) Use back of page to calculate.

If total points exceed 50, you will be called for an interview. If you scored less than 50 you belong at FOX.