BIG CHAINS TO COVER SEXY MAGAZINE COVERS. SEX OFFENDERS RELIEVED
Satire
Prodded by conservative news casters Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, several discount chains have stated that they will hide the covers of salacious magazines: Glamour, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan and Redbook when they stock those mags in their magazine racks. Maxim, Stuff and FHM will no longer be sold in the stores at all.
"Thank God", said convicted sex offender David Crawford. "Every time I went in there I'd get a hard on. Them goddam kids in strollers would read that shit and then grin at me in suggestive ways that I for one, couldn't take no more. There was this one three year old that read that cover about oral sex and started lookin' at me like he wanted it. Good thing his momma smacked the shit out of him or I might be back in jail again. Jesus she hit him til he was bleeding. Stores shouldn't be allowed to carry magazines like that."
Sally Ann Bollenger of Craigmore Kansas, now on probation for the ritual slaying of former president Bill Clinton's pet dog Buddy, heaved a big sigh of relief. "Son of a bitch. Them dirty covers and sayings was drivin' me to think evil thoughts. Whenever I seed a Goddam Cosmetopelan (sic) with all them words like climax, and orgasm I just wanted to go out and kill me a cow or even a elephant. I'm glad they're off the shelves."
Fifteen year old high school sophomore Jeanette McDonald (no relation to the famous Hamburger) had a slightly different take. "You know you must think I'm stupid or something. I've been having multiple orgasms for like eight years and I climax whenever I want to in Algebra class so those magazines were not the reasons I gave Mr. Mitchell a blow job in study hall. I mean the problems of a bunch of over the hill 25 and 35 year old old bitches who can't cum don't interest anybody. Besides, I'm getting into lesbian stuff now."
WalMart will continue their crusade to make family shopping a priority. Phallic ice creams like Big Stick and Long John are being looked at. The New York Times has long been banned due to the salacious news stories featured on their pages and columns. Books with titles containing the words Richard (an innocent sounding code word), Feline (another innocent sounding code word), and butt fuck (again innocent sounding code word) will be hidden from view.
HUSTLER TO BAN ALL RELIGIOUS ADVERTISING
Responding to concerns of their customers, Hustler announced today the immediate cessation of all religious advertising. "Hustler clientele is offended by the intrusion of these weird images, slogans, and promises of endless fires of hell into their peaceful world of chicken choking sexual bliss.
"So-called women who cover their bodies with material and then pose for ads in our magazine are causing serious problems. Let's say a dude is trying to clean the old rifle and is looking for a two page spread of a pink clam sandwich so he can squeeze off a load and he suddenly gets hit with some up-tight truthful bitch with all her clothes on and her hands pressed together in front of her, a clear signal of a closed pussy, just staring out at him. And underneath there is some fag message from Jesus like "Jesus Loves You" or some such shit. A real man scrotes up on that kind of incursion into his choices of viewing.
"I mean you don't see a porno with Jesus or Mohammed or somebody dressed out in all them robes and beards doin' the Sermon on the Mount while he's butt fuckin' some teeny bopper, do you? Well it's the same thing. We have a mature, sophisticated audience of gentlemen who are choosing an involvement with a fantasy of totally depraved bitches who like it in the ass, in the face, in their mouths, between their titties, and other places. They do not want women who want it in their souls for Chriss fucking sakes."
"There are appropriate places for honesty, doing good deeds, and helping other people but those are fantasies that can best be fulfilled in prisons, combat situations, and public transportation", said a spokesperson. "Read that stuff on the walls of busses, the sides of buildings, anywhere but in our publications."
Blue America speaks.
