Why Wagyu Ain't For U

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Big stink being raised about "The One's" expensive eating habits over the weekend. It seems he ate something called Wagyu Steak, a breed that costs $500 for a single steak and $70 and up for a hamburger. Those of us who served in Japan or Korea during the 50s or 60s ate something called Kobe Beef, which was beef raised around the Kobe area of Japan, but it wasn't Kobe beef, it was just shit the army sold to the Japs. Kobe Beef is a post Miji delicacy of Japan, a type of beef that is so well marbled that it goes right off the charts for Prime grading in any other country. The meat ends up looking like it has been left out in the snow because of the intensiveness of the white fat marbling that rivals duck livers (foie gras) for richness and caloric content, and costs an obscene amount. Wagyu is a sub breed of Kobe beef that must be fed correctly and so on. The "Wagyu beef" designation can legally be applied to the meat from any cattle of the Wagyu breed; it's a genetic thing, not a place appellation or a reference to how the cattle were raised and fed. This breed is genetically predisposed to intense marbling, and produces a higher percentage of oleaginous, unsaturated fat (bad as in rilly rilly bad) than any other breed of cattle known in the world. The biggest producer in the world is the Harris Ranch in CA.

To continue with the One's working class eating habits, Japan has been selectively breeding for marbling grade for centuries even though eating meat was banned til 1868. U.S. beef producers relied on external conformation until just a few decades ago. However, you just can't kill a Wagyu steer that has been properly raised and eat it, you gotta send the fucking thing to Japan and let them kill it. But the truly important deal is cook it right. The composition of the meat and flavor is dramatically different than any other cattle produced in he world. Wagyu have about 70% momounsaturated fatty acids, specifically oleic and stearic acid. These monounsaturated fatty acids have two properties of importance to the meat. Firstly, they have a very low melting point (less than seven degrees Celsius) which means the beef literally melts in your mouth. This results in the sweetest most succulent taste you will ever find in any meat anywhere. Since Wagyu beef is loaded to the gills with fat (OMFG fat??) when you spot it you might not think it was even beef because there is so much "marbling." So after raising a cow exactly right and sending it to Japan for slaughter you have beef loaded with fat that is the most sought after in the world. BUT if you cook it in any normal way you will end up with a totally tasteless piece of shit. To achieve the Nirvana in steaks, Wagyu steak is thinly sliced then tossed onto an open flame for a few seconds on each side til blackened, and then retrieved and eaten. It is said that anyone who has ever tasted it becomes an addict. The Japanese no longer raise Wagyu cattle because Japanese labor costs are prohibitively high, so they have "farmed" out the raising process to places like the USA and Australia that has ranches of fifty thousand acres or more. Once raised, this fat laden carcass is shipped to Japan, examined, and then sold as the aforementioned Wagyu beef. I may or may not have eaten it when I went to the whorehouses in Japan where beef was cooked over a habachi pot and distributed by a mamasan, but somehow I doubt it. More likely I was eating high fat dog that tasted real good to those of us drunk enough to remain standing, sort of a Wagyu Doberman.